The trip that broke and made me.
June 26, 2012 | 1:10 PM
Like a woah. I do
not usually do this, but like I told the girls after the night, I think I needed that, in a brutally honest, perverse way. And this entry is going to be rather brutally honest as well, I think. It is important to be.
Before Macau I was feeling like shit, to be honest, and I hated feeling that I needed to depend on someone ridiculously horrendous for me to see my worth. And I was looking forward to this trip, and meeting some old, old friends. I cannot believe I have known Calvin and the boys for at least 7, 8 years (okay lah, not exactly super
old friends, but close friends I haven't seen in the longest time). I didn't dare to expect much, also because I knew that these were people who had their own lives to lead, and to suddenly appear and ask them to bring me and three other friends around was kind of asking a little bit too much.
But Calvin's first response when I called him from the hotel was
'你现在在哪里？來，我拿MC，去找你!' He made me laugh straight away, and I was reminded again of why I was here in Macau visiting them. These were people who protected me growing up, and while I was making mistakes and being a typical embarrassing teenager/girl in my early twenties, I had people who watched me from behind, people I knew would always be around for me, really.
Wilson gave us an amazing dinner. He was so charismatic and confident in that chef uniform I felt so proud of him. The Senior Sous Chef I saw in front of me was so different, yet similar to what I knew of him before that I was truly touched. He's someone who needs to feel appreciated and recognised, and his hard work towards all that I could see. That made me happy, because he was happy with what he was doing, and the work gave him that recognition, all the more so when we were around.
And honestly, all the time when they were discussing what Calvin wanted to eat, I was just sitting there basking in little girl admiration of chefs talking professional stuff in front of me. I don't exactly know how to pinpoint what I feel about them, but I think it's pride and love all rolled into one. It's how you feel when you want to show off a loved one to friends, and tell them about his/her successes.
What I told Sarah was true. During times when I'm too tired of being strong I need these group of people. Being everyone's 大家姐 is not doing much for my psyche, and therefore I need to be a 小妹 once in a while. There is no way Ford, William and Wilson will ever see me as an older sister, and no way I will ever see them as younger/more immature than me and so I can be myself and just let go a little.
Both Wilson and Ah Ford turned to me sometime during and after Altira 38 Lounge that night and said how happy they were that I was in Macau. That touched me a lot too. I seemed to be spending the whole night being touched by everything they said. Ah Ford, especially, things he usually keeps inside and only comes out when he drinks. He was giving me his silly smile and when I asked him why he was smiling at me like that, he just said, '没有，只是很高兴你来澳门咯' Seriously. Can you not love these people? They drank a lot lah, granted, but this was not drunk nonsense, and I appreciated that.
The sudden realisation that hit me when I was at Calvin's house affected me so much I burst into tears. How can I be so blind to so much love around me and let myself be caught up in the whole Wang Hao issue that I lost myself? Cheryl can attest to that, I just turned to her and asked her why I was so caught up over someone who can never ever compare to all of them in Macau. I remember what she said.
'Velda, that's what I have been trying to tell you for the fucking longest time!'
That made me cry again. And arms came from behind to cradle my head.
'傻的，你! 不要哭了啦!' 真的傻的！‘ Wilson said.
That broke me even more, but it made me stronger at the same time. There were people who loved me, and had so much faith in me. And I could cry unabashedly because I knew I had them and my bestest girlfriends around me. And I started babbling about the US, and how I was actually really worried and everything, but the girls were there for me. Thanks, Pam and Cheryl and Jess, you don't know how much I would miss you all.
I have to thank Pam for remembering what happened next though. She said while I was crying myself into silence, Ford and Wilson both said something in Malay to each other. Whenever they speak Malay it always goes above my head so I usually just ignore it, but Pam said they said
'Dia boleh', or
'She can do/make it.'
Just two words, but it meant the world to me. I could hear it thousands of times over from other friends, but to hear it from people whom I feel went through life differently from me, and who saw me for who I was outside of being with my peers meant everything. Thank you.
Also, that last night, I have to thank him though. I know the girls were worried for me, and maybe were hesitant about everything that happened, but thank you for believing in me, loves, and trusting in my judgement. But if he wasn't sitting next to me that night, didn't tell me the things I needed to hear, and didn't behave the way he did, I would have left Macau not as changed as I was mentally. Of course I know I'm probably not the only person he's been like that to, but it helped loads. Trying to come to terms with it now has not been surprisingly difficult also, somehow, maybe cause I didn't invest too much emotions into this right from the start. I was attracted, yes, but only more so cause he seemed to be too. And I think we were both messed up enough to need some physical comforting. My heart went out to him when he was crying, and I'm glad he was not merely taking advantage of me, in which case I could have told, and wouldn't have relented. 他喜欢牵我的手，喜欢亲我，因为很舒服，能让他平下心来。Maybe it was the same for me. But we both knew enough to end it there and then, and even in my haze of tiredness I would never forget the last look he gave me before he closed the door to Calvin's apartment.
And yes, I have to thank William too, cause even though he was irritated at my bumbling, he still loved me enough to look after us after we left the pub. He was so tired, but he still woke up at 10 to see if we were still around. He didn't mind that I dragged 8 people to meet him for dinner, and even though he had to bus here and there and
tio meh by Wilson he still did it.
All in all Macau left me in a state of mind that was ultimately healthier than what I had been before the trip. And I know that I would do anything, and I mean anything, for Calvin and his boys. I count them as blessings, and heaven forbid if I forget these 4 people that life has blessed me with.
velda.
